The Wonder of Educayshun!

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
• She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
• Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
• He was a tall as a six foot nine inch tree.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• “Oh, Jason, take me!”, she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
• He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

“Writing: For the Sell of It” was the theme of the college’s annual writers’ conference.
The Head of English phoned a widely published author to invite him to be guest speaker.
The author told the Head of English, “I don’t know what I would say, I have virtually no experience in the subject”.
“You’re just being modest”, the Head of English told him, “I’m sure you’re extremely qualified to speak on that subject”.
It would appear that they had been talking at cross purposes, because at some point in the conversation the invited author suddenly broke into gales of laughter.
“I thought you said”, the author explained, “That you wanted me to talk on “Writing for the Celibate!”.
Talking about eductaion,, work this one out.
The problem.
There’s a box with a hole at each end and there’s a rabbit in the box.
The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later… and so on.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, it’s two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless, of course, you split hares.
A school in New York carried out a new study and found that 20 percent of Internet time is spent on social networking sites.
The other 80 percent is spent hiding a Facebook window behind Excel.
Think About It!

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Tags: bowling ball, canadian beef, college freshman, cruel fate, freight trains, grassy field, high school essays, hummingbirds, little boat, looking at a solar eclipse, nancy kerrigan, nose hair, picket fences, pinhole, sex life, sneeze, star crossed lovers, suburban neighbourhood, surreal quality, thigh master, vegetable soup